Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails...
- Saint Paul
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Am I capable of loving someone? Really loving someone? I usually think I am, but sometimes I wonder if I'm fooling myself. Love, as far as I can tell from what I take as reliable sources, is a selfless act. It is an act, not a feeling - though feelings can and most often do come with it in the lower and more particular strands of love. The 'not a feeling' part is not hard for me. I can operate without feelings and still do what I believe is right. It's in some of the particulars of real Love, true Love, that worry me sometimes. How can I exhibit what C. S. Lewis lays out as traditional 'Christian Love' (see The Greatest of These is Love post)? More importantly, how can I exhibit in its entirety what Saint Paul defines as Love? Fortunately, by God's grace I presume, patience, kindness, humility, civility, truth and hope come to me relatively easy when anything loving comes to me at all. These seem to be the raw materials that God entrusted me with as my strengths. My first weakness with Love leaps to life with the attribute where it 'does not take into account a wrong suffered'. My name's Jeff, and I keep account of wrongs (there, I was finally able to admit it) - not necessarily because I want to, but because for every wrong, there's a wound that would seem to not let me forget them when I try. I question myself and whether or not I am truly loving if I keep account of wrongs. On the one hand, I believe I have to let them go if I'm to love. On the other hand, how can I dismiss the pain? How can I directly and immediately will feelings out of existence? I can't. No one can. So where does that pain go? If loving, really loving, is not keeping an account of wrongs, then how do I reconcile their connection with my pain? Is pain of this sort temporary, does it last forever, does it heal? All these are selfish questions - they are wonderings about my pain, wrongs that I suffered. If, truly, Love 'does not seek its own', maybe I can get an answer by looking at it from the other side. How immemorial to me are the wrongs that I've done to others, how unforgettable though are they to those I've harmed? If I am the one that wronged you, you will remember it in more detail and with more reality than I. With the brief passing of time I may not even remember it at all. In worse moments I will remember and be indifferent about it, in the worst of all possible moments I may find myself mocking you. If I'm fortunate (i.e., unselfish) enough to recognize that I wronged you, or honest enough to finally admit that I did, I will still be the one more eager to clear it from the record than you, and usually will, unless you make a move to impede my efforts. So if it is so easy for me to forget the pain I caused you, how is it fair, how does it make sense, that you are expected by Christianity to forget? Maybe that's not what's expected. This whole time I've been writing, I've been thinking to 'keep no account of wrongs' means to forget them, and to somehow magically wish away the pain they've caused. The more I think about it, the more I take it to mean not holding someone in your debt. Maybe that makes more sense. To not require, expect, or want the person to pay back to you what they took. The pain I suffer may take a while to heal, it may not heal - I honestly don't know. I do know that I honestly can't make it go away. This aspect of Love must not mean that I can't properly feel feelings and acknowledge pain. It's not selfish to feel pain (or feelings for that matter), it's honest, it's true - there are no two ways about it: being done wrong hurts. The selfish part, the unloving part, comes in when I pridefully expect that I am entitled to exact revenge on you before we can be, as they say, even. Keeping no account of wrongs must mean instead that I am not to try and balance the scales. I think I'm supposed to try my best to forget the idea of scales altogether. It is not my job (and more importantly against His will) for me to set things right. How could anyone except the ultimate Judge above all judges, the maker of the Law, set things right? What, except selfish pride, could even carry me to the thought that I'm qualified for such a task?
My other significant weakness in loving, as far as I can see, is jealousy. To examine this weakness in further detail, and to come to an honest evaluation, will require a new post.
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